


Happy Hogan's Hero Daycare

by MsMiaMimi (Mc_Mimi)



Category: Guardians of the Galaxy (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe, Spider-Man: Homecoming (2017), The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types, X-Men - All Media Types
Genre: Domestic Avengers, Fluff and Humor, Happy Hogan's Happy Ending, Housekeeping deserves all the Monies, Humor, I MISS JANE, Kid Loki (Marvel), Post-Avengers (2012)
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-05-20
Updated: 2018-08-26
Packaged: 2019-05-09 07:24:46
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,732
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14711691
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mc_Mimi/pseuds/MsMiaMimi
Summary: Post Infinity War (What war?  Never heard of her)Happy manages the Avenger's mansion and everyone is there to save the world and raise his blood pressure.





	1. Chapter 1

**Incident Report #13318, Thor & Loki, Kitchen 4**

“I’m not cleaning this up.”

Kitchen 4 is in the common area on the top floor, opposite Bruce’s lab.  It was well stocked with healthy food.  And now cabinets are empty and there’s a hole in the fridge.  Happy is sure he didn’t he sign up for this.  At least one of the responsible culprits has the decency to look guilty.  Thor shuffles his feet and apologizes for the mess.  Loki on the other hand…  Loki is small and crazy-eyed.  His resurrection as a constantly angry child makes Happy _very_ happy he wasn’t around the first time.  God help them when he goes through puberty.

“Do what you will mortal!  I am not suffering his presence any longer!” 

He vanishes and Happy stares at the mess.  He’s about to call up housekeeping but he feels like the ThunderGod has something on his sizable chest.  “What?  What is it?”

“Do you think me a bad brother, Happy?”

Happy sighs.  He doesn’t know why people in the mansion keep opening up to him.  But he’s read that people trust handsome men more with secrets, so it’s probably something like that.  It can’t be helped.  “Look, I don’t know anything about that.  The closest thing I got to a brother is Tony.  And that’s… not as complicated as all this.”  He walks over spilled eggs and avoids getting flour on his suit.  “But.  I do think you’re doing the best you can, Big Guy.”

Thor gives him a wide, happy grin.  “Thank you, Happy of Hogan Heroes.”

“That’s not my name.  I told you, it was a joke.  Stark was just…”

Thor grins and winks like he knows exactly that and then walks out of the room without looking back.  The handsome bastard, thinks Happy.  That leaves _him_ alone to explain the mess to housekeeping.

* * *

 

**Incident Report #10155, Quill & Steve, The Gym**

Happy shakes off the energy he gets from watching a good spar and the inclination to drop his suit coat and climb in the ring.  But that’s Captain Friggin’ America.  And Drax.  Drax is… perhaps not famous on Earth but he is Big As Fuck.  And Happy rather not risk his life for curiosity’s sake.

If only the other spectator was as sensible.

“Come on,” shouts Quill.  “You are letting him win at this point!  Don’t let him dazzle you with that... that hair!  Punch him in the face!”

Another swing and miss for Drax and he shakes his head, “I cannot.  This little dancer man is far too quick.  He must be part trans-dimensional being or something.”

“I _am_ part trans-dimensional being and you hit me in the face _all_ the time!”

“Yes, well you ask for it when you open your mouth.”  He turns to Steve and gives him a little bow, before throwing down his gloves.  “But this, this a man of honor.  Well done, sir.”

Steve, being an upstanding kind of guy bows back, “Thank you for the honor, sir.”

“No, no, no!”  Quill gets up and climbs into the ring.  “We’re not leaving this like that.  Team Guardians is not going out like that!”

“Don’t do this,” says Happy.  “Get out of there before I have to call emergency care.”

Quill makes a show of striping out of his shirt and dancing around the ring.  Drax laughs and slaps Happy on the back.  “See?  He does this all the time.  He has a very strong jaw.”

“Shut up, Drax!  You're supposed to be on my side!”  He turns to Steve, hands up and bouncing from leg to leg.  “Come on Grandpa.  Give me your best shot.  You heard me, huh.  Don’t hold back.”

Steve stands there, hands down with a raised brow.

“Okay hold back a little.  But just to normal levels.  Like a normal guy fight.  Fight me like a man!”

Drax laughs again and slaps Happy even harder, “A man he says!”

“Shut up, Drax!”  Quill hastily throws a volley random looking jabs that Steve simply sidesteps and ducks out of range.  “Okay, okay.  I see how it is, Grandpa.  I see you,” he holds up to fingers, “I see your game.  You’re mine now, Grandpa.  I got you.  I got- OW!”

Steve moves so fast, that Happy almost misses it.  But it’s hard to miss the blood pouring from Quill’s nose. 

Happy sighs and pulls out his phone.  “Hey, Housekeeping.  Yes, it’s me again.”

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Incident Report #12621, Peter Parker & Thor, East Gate**

 

* * *

 

 

Poor Peter.  Poor naïve, innocent Peter.  Happy sighs and follows the little hero’s entourage while they tour the mansion.  But he knows better to lose sight of May.  A woman doesn’t visit her kid’s friends in fuck-me pumps and red, red lipstick. No.  That is a woman on a mission.  And Happy has an idea of what kind of mission.  He’s thwarted her last two attempts to hook up with a certain someone.  All it takes is very careful planning.  He keeps an eye on the group and the other on his tablet, watching Stark’s markers for all the Avengers.  Everyone is where they’re supposed to be.  Things are going great.

Peter slings web up into a corner and Ned points and laughs and they skip down the halls, like kids tearing around a museum that lets them touch things.  And there’s a lot of touching.  “Put that down!  It’s an experimental space shifter.  We don’t know what it does yet…”

Ned damn near juggles it, “It displaces matter in a ring!”

“Like the thing!”  Peter giggles taking a turn while Ned laughs and they both stick their hands in and out of what Stark has labeled as, **_Harmless in the right hands.  Do not let Loki touch._**

Speaking of Loki, Happy frowns at his tablet seeing Loki reappear on the roof.  “Hell. They’re back.”

“Who’s back?”  says May, with a very well-practiced hair flip.  It’s like art in motion and Happy may be drooling a little, but he recovers enough to answer.

“No one.  Nothing.  Let’s move on.  Perhaps to the kid’s suite.  You can all take lunch in there.”

“No, no, no,” whines Peter.  “I made us lunch!  We gonna picnic outside on the grounds, there’s this most amazing view and Sam is going to test his new drones!  They look like little baby birds, oh my god.  I love them!  Oh, and Rhodey said he’d stop by and we can watch it and eat crepes!”

Ned high fives him, “Crepes and baby bird robots!  I am so there!”

The kids run off for outside and Happy sighs, hoping he can keep things civil and normal for a little while longer.

They don’t make it to the picnic.  Thor comes crashing down from the roof while Loki cackles above them.  Poor Peter.  Poor naïve, responsible Peter, decides to take action.  “That little brat!  I’mm go restrain him!  He needs a timeout!”

“Dude, you’re going put Loki in timeout!  That is so badass!  You’re a badass babysitter.”  He starts laughing at his own joke, and to be fair he has point. 

“Shut up, Ned!” 

Peter swings off and while everyone has their eyes up on the roof, May makes her move.  “Sir, are you okay?”  She brushes his chest, despite it not being dirty at all.  “Do you need anything?  Should we call a doctor or something.”  She does the artful hair flip and smiles up, and Happy shakes his head.

Thor.  Charming, handsome, respectful Thor.  He actually bows and kisses her hand, “I thank you for your concern, Lady May.  I am unharmed.  Merely a rough shove from a disgruntled toddler.”

“I heard that!”  Loki sends a magical blast in their direction.  Happy ducks for cover, shoving Ned into a wall and shielding the boy.

Ned whines, “Dude, personal space!  I can’t see!”  He’s trying to record the fight with his phone despite being in the line of fire.  Typical, thinks Happy.  Kids these days.

May is safely scoped up in Thor’s arms several feet away.  And she doesn’t look to be in any hurry to get down.  Happy can’t make out what they are saying but she points to the picnic grounds and Thor shrugs before carrying her off in that direction. 

Peter and Loki land in front of Happy with confused looks on their little faces.  “Happy?  What just happened here?  Where are they going?  Hey, May!”

Happy shakes his head, “Don’t bother.”

Loki stamps his foot, “How dare he ignore me again!  We just had this conversation!”

“Dude, you threw your brother off a building.  That’s not how we ask for attention on Earth.”

“Damn your Earth!  And damn my brother!”  He disappears in an angry little ball of light.”

Peter whines, “Oh man.  I think I gotta find him.   Stark kind of pays me to keep an eye on him in the mansion.”

“You really are his babysitter!”

“Shut up, Ned!”  They run off to search for God of Mischief.

Happy sighs and pulls out his phone, “Hey.  I need landscaping out by the east gate.  We have a… a… crater issue.”

* * *

 

 

**Incident #32611, Darryl, Grandmaster & Stark Front Gate**

 

“Ah, knock knock.” 

Happy stares at the video feed and frowns.  “What?  What??”

An older gentleman in a pastel sweater looks like he got lost on his way to a yuppie country club from the 80’s, stands at the front gates with a smaller man dressed like he’s going to Comic-Con.  The older man sleeks back his hair and taps on the security camera, “Ah.  Excuse me.  I’m uh, the Grandmaster of Sakaar.  And Earth’s new ruler, et al.   Um, in progress.  I’m here to pick up my consort.  He’s about,” he holds his hands up to his chin, “Yay high.  A Jotnar Prince, an Ice Maiden, a… and I’m not even exaggerating here, a Trickster God.  Uh, if you’d please, send him down.  I understand he came here on vacation with his brother, the Lord of Thunder.  Just um, let him know I’m ready to get off this rock.  And times a wasting.  So, uh.  Chop, chop there, minion.  Or I’ll send in Darryl.”

Happy sighs and sits back in his chair.  “Housekeeping.  We got a crazy local at the front gate.”

“Shhh!”  Loki appears out of nowhere at Happy’s side.  “I know that man!”  He looks panicky and pats himself down looking for who knows what and fidgeting from foot to foot.  “Whatever you do, don’t tell Thor.  Send him away!  Quickly!”

“Are you serious?  What is this about?!  He called you a ‘consort’ or something.  What does that mean?”

“I’m not that person anymore, obviously!”  Loki shoves Happy aside, “Stark!  I require your assistance!”

Tony answers from his lab, “What’s up?  Hey, Hapster you see this guy down by the front gate?  Is he an investor or something?  Don’t we give them tours?”

“No!”  Loki screams, “We cannot allow him to see me!  Send him away for at least um…” He looks down at his little hands, “Ten to fifteen of your years!  Tell him I’m not here!”

Tony frowns but he suits up quickly and goes down to the stranger while Loki and Happy stare at the screen.

The Grandmaster smiles and waves, “Hello there, Shiny!  Isn’t he a sight?!  Darryl, we should look into getting you this kind of setup.  How much?”

“Not for sale.  What’s your business here, man.”

The Grandmaster smiles, “I’m here for my Consort, the Prince, The Ice Maiden, Loki Laufeyson.  He owes me ah,” he counts on his fingers, “Like a whole brood of heirs and a lifetime of entertainment.  Send him down, or I’ll send Darryl here to go get him.”

Darryl holds up a weird stick thing and Happy has never felt more sorry for anyone. That could have been him in another life.

Tony lands in front of them, “You do get what you’re asking for right?  Loki?  Of Asgard?  Thor’s baby brother.  A kid that likes to stabs things on the regular.  Sometimes he’s a snake or bird or something.  It’s not something you want around in your house.  Let alone marry.” 

“How dare you,” says the Grandmaster.  “Loki is my most favorite thing in this or any other universe.  I want him, and I want him now.  Keeping him from me, as your future ruler, is going have some very serious consequences.  Like, really.”

“Really?”

“Really, really.”

Tony shrugs, “I hear ya.  Happy, send the little brat down.”

Loki cries out as a drone armor suit snatches him up and flies out the window.  Happy is left alone to stare at the video feed.  Loki is dropped on the ground between Tony and the grandmaster and gets up with a knife and a murderous glare.  “You imbecile!”

“Loki?”

Loki shrinks and turns around slowly.  “Hi.”

“Oh my!  How… when… Is this a glamour?”

Loki shakes his head.  “I died.  And my brother resurrected me from the underworld.  I’m a child again.  And I only vaguely remember the life I had before.”

The grandmaster bends down on one knee, “Oh but look at you!  Hun, you’re pocket-sized!”

The boy hangs his head, “I’m sorry.”

“Sorry?  This is fantastic!  I can take you away and teach you about all of your powers properly this time around.  You’ll be the most feared and powerful creature in all the realms.  And when you’re old enough we can settle that brood thing.”

“You want a raise your wife?  Sure.  That’s not creepy.  I bet you read a lot of manga.”  Tony puts a hand on Loki’s head and pulls him back, “He’s not going anywhere with you.  If you want to fight over it…”

“Whoa, hey!”  The grandmaster gets up, hands raised in surrender.  “That’s not necessary.  I get it, I do.  He needs some time to mature, eh.  Fine.  Fine.  Can do, kitten.”  He winks at Tony, “I’ll just be on my way.  Things to do and people to seize and you know, melt.”  He looks back down at Loki, “I’ll give you a call in… what another hundred or so years?  That good for you?”  


Loki actually stands behind Tony with his head hanging, but nods.  “I’m sorry.  I remember finding you… reasonable and pleasant company… if a bit crazy.”

“Ah, you plotted my murder and usurping my world,” says the Grandmaster seriously.  Then he laughs, “Ah shucks but I can’t stay mad.  Look at face.  Darryl, look at him?  You should have seen him when he was taller.  Good times.”

Then there's a loud boom and static discharges over the camera feed.  Happy shields his eyes from the light.  When it’s over Thor is standing there as well.  “Ah fuck,” says Happy.

“Darryl!”

“Thor!”  The little Comic-Con guy drops the stick and runs over to hug Thor’s middle.  “Hey man!  Nice job saving the world!”

Thor pats him on the back, “You’re aligned with my enemy now?”

Daryl frowns, “No!  No, never!  He’s just my roommate!”

“Hey!”  

A strange swirl of energy spins from the Grandmaster out and bends the nearly indestructible gates.

The grandmaster pats himself on the chest, “Oh, sorry, sorry about that.  Little hiccup.”

Happy puts his head in his hands and flicks a button on the console, “Housekeeping.  Front gate.”

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The lovely ladies I miss in the MCU that deserve more screen time and Happy being happy while doing his job.

**Incident #28251 Very Important People, Main Conference Room**

 

“Put it over there, so the light filters in kinda of blue and does the calming thing,” says Happy.  He likes it when big banners help even out the mood in the room.  Today a big and very important day.   And he has the most precious assets to manage and he just wants to be completely sure there are no holes in his plans.  He circles the perimeter of the room while the caterers and set up guys get things ready under his direction.  “Hey put that back in the other room!  We’re hosting an International Nerd Talk, not a buffet.” 

“Shame,” says Pepper coming down like a goddess from the platform.  “We took a vote last night, you know.  We love the buffet thing.”

Happy turns back to men, “What are you doing?!   Put that back over there!  This is going to be a buffet!”

They rush back in place saying yes sir and the day is saved.

“Yo, peeps!”  Happy turns around again to see the co-chair of his setup for this very important day.  Ms. Darcy Lewis is a little more laid back about structure and order, but she’s a hell of an organizer.  She walks in waves at some of the crew.  One man seems distracted enough to almost drop the thousand-dollar display that goes up near the speaker podium.  But she just laughs it off, “Dude!  You gotta be more careful.  It’s not like I get paid for this, but you.  You’re going be missing a few bucks if that gets broke.”

The man grins and straightens the sculpture so Happy leaves him to it.  Happy steps into the center aisle to give Pepper and Darcy his full attention, “So we’re ready in another hundred minutes.  Anything else?  Any surprise guests or security details to look out for?”

Darcy swishes her coat and pulls out a tablet very similar the one he uses and grins when a 3D display powered by Asgardian technology comes up.  “It’s sweet, right?  There’s this Niddle-vi-er dwarf relocating with the Asgardians and he makes the coolest toys!  Can’t wait for Tony to meet him, they’re going mesh like, like hotdogs and Cheeze-its.”

Happy tilts his head, not sure how that works but he agrees, “Aliens with cool tech always put him in a good mood.  That’s true.”

Pepper takes a seat in the first chair that’s arranged in a semicircle on the platform.  She looks around and frowns before turning to Happy.  “We have one small problem.”

Happy panics then recovers in record time, tablet out and ready to fix anything, “Whatcha got?”

Pepper looks to the center stage, “I think the Princess should have a bigger chair.  She’s the head of this consortium.  This is her party.”

“Right you are you ma’am.”  Happy flits through his warehouse and sets out for the very important task of finding the Princess a bigger chair.

 

* * *

 

Princess Shuri, the International figurehead of the Earth’s Advancement initiative sits in a big chair.   It was hard to wrangle, but Happy knows he outdid himself this time.  He found an actual throne from some defunct little monarchy on sell on eBay.  Shuri swings her feet and laughs as the cameras around her snap at the beginning of the Big Talk.  “Wow,” says the Princess while grinning from ear to ear.  “I thought today was going to be hard with so many esteemed leaders to conference with, but here I am, already a foot taller than everyone while sitting.”

After a good long laugh and some applause, and things move forward.  To her right sits the Ambassador from the Asgardian settlement, Dr. Jane Foster.  Their peers are all doctors, scientists, and teachers from all over the world who commit to bettering the world through technology and education. 

Happy stands to the side in the wings with his arms crossed and smiling as they Get to Business.  Things are looking well, he thinks.  Until Darcy scares the soul out of his body with a slap to his back.

“Good job, Joy!”

“It’s Happy and you know it.”

She claps her hands twice and he has to roll his eyes.

“You’ve been around Thor too much.”

“Yeah,” she grins from ear to ear.  “He’s a terrible influence on me.  But this.  This is going to change lives and you helped to host the first go at it.  Nicccce.” She nods and gives him a softer pat and a little kiss on the temple.  “I’m proud of you Joy.”

Happy blushes, preening a little with pride but steps into the joke anyway just see her smile again.  “It’s Happy and you know it.”

Clap.

Clap.

 

* * *

 

 

The buffet works out well.  Happy catches up to Pepper as she snacks on little fancy biscuits with Jane and Shuri while the other doctors and scientist mingle and make their big plans.  An assortment of grade-school teachers was honored with the designation of Avenger, defender of Earth's Youth and they’re all so pleased and taking pictures nearby.

Everything is going smooth.  Happy notes that this might have something to do with the all the positive feminist energy in the room. 

So it’s up to a random guy to show up and make a mess.

Happy vetted the guest list and the press passes himself.  Darcy doubled checked everything.  There’s no way the guy with a microphone and irritatingly fake wig got in without some greased palms.  He’ll have to look into it later.  But for now, he marches over to block the guy before he can ambush Shuri. 

He doesn’t get very before Jane turns, “Hey I know that guy.  Jeffrey Parsons, FFN.”

Shuri laughs, “That’s the colonizer from that whack-ass fake news publication?  How did he get in here?”

Jane laughs, “I don’t know.  He must have slithered in under a crack or something.”

The Dora appear behind Happy, but they don’t seem worried.  Ayo holds him back, “Wait for it.  He’s going to be roasted.”

Happy frowns, thinking of flames and armored catsuits running amok at this peaceful event but Shuri actually starts rapping.  And she's terribly good at it.

Jane stands there nodding along like a professional hype man while they point all the man’s faults, his appearance, his vile rhetoric.  They take him apart, piece by piece on live television.

Pepper taps Happy on the shoulder, “It seems as part of their outreach, Wakanda allowed the Princess to have social media accounts.  And Jane has several official pages for Asgard.  This little nerd talk is really going viral.”

Things sink in slowly. “You did this,” says Happy.  “For the likes?”

Pepper shrugs, “He’s not a very nice man.”

Parsons stumbles after the brutal slaying, clutching his chest and wagging an Old White Guy finger at Jane and the Princess.  “You have not heard the last of me!  You upstarts are trying to change the world!”

Jane shrugs, “Duh.”

The man falls over, tripping on his own feet and knocks downs a table full of platters.

Happy sighs before calling for backup, “Housekeeping.  One table down.  And we need more of those little biscuits.  Everyone loves ‘em.” 


End file.
